I still remember a time, not that they spelled it out that way, but my friends acknowledged that I was not as smart as them. I remember a time when I was scared to ask questions because I would be patronized or ridiculed. I remember a time when I pretended I knew things so I wouldn't seem so stupid. But the more I did that, the stupider I felt.
I have a habit of making people eat their words, not deliberately, more unintentionally.
So, yes, I do think I've become smarter. No, I'm not intelligent. I think I still have lower IQ than most my friends. I'm not... brainy. I don't have a lot of common knowledge, in fact, I know very little things about the outside world because of how I've loved living in my own world. I'm more... book-smart, I s'pose. Yes, I've pulled through. But I keep telling myself not to get cocky. Because I know I'm not intelligent. Somehow, I think I'm just lucky. So I keep telling myself that I can't let the people around me tell me that I'm smart. Because I'm afraid to believe it, because I know I'm not. Because I might stop wanting to work hard. But I s'pose I laze around a lot. But I do pressure myself, on the inside. In front of others, I do patronize my own intelligence, and dismiss my good results, but I never want to freak out in front of them.
And yeah, I do like being smart. I like having the upper-hand. Because I know I won't be like the people who made fun of me. While I seem to be smart, I can help others. I help them understand all the things I couldn't. I'll be nice to them like they never were to me. Yeah, I do rough them around a little when they don't understand, but those that know me the best know I do it out of affection. Because at the end of the day, I will repeat it until they understand, or I'll suggest another solution, another source for them to go to.
And I like the fact, that I'll never be that person who seems shocked or surprised and ends up offending someone else when they get better results than I do. Because I know everybody has the potential. Everybody can go far. And they can beat me. Because I can fall. I can lose. I know where I can get to, how far up I can go, and how far down I can fall.
That's why I'm not afraid of what people think about my results anymore.
Yes, I do get disappointed when I fall behind, but I'm entirely responsible for that. It's not because someone else hit me on the head with club to get ahead of me. It's because they tried more, while I didn't... or maybe they're just smarter than me, I'm fine with that too.
Well... I guess the joke's on whoever thought I wasn't good enough.
Sometimes, it's harder when it comes to other things. You don't have a report card, showing how capable you are. It's not all in the book, how hard you try, and how much effort you give. It doesn't matter to anyone else, how much you do, because to them, it's "just a favor" you did. The recognition is for yourself. And I will spend everyday, telling myself it's okay because I am a good person.
Like my co-curriculum.
I think I give up on that.
I seem to have given up on a lot of things.
I haven't written in months. And the feedback I got from Pn. Haniza for my essay, isn't exactly encouraging. She said my storyline was flat. That's right, I have a lack of imagination.
Haven't written songs in a while either. Sort of given up on singing too. Forgot about guitar-playing or my piano. Haven't cooked in a while for myself. Haven't sketched in forever.
I've given up on being nice too.
But I'm still the same person, y'know.
I still think about the same things. I still have the same massive array of feelings. I still love life, still love my friends, my family. I still love smiling and I love being creative. I still love the idea of falling in love. Still think the world needs some fixing. Still think I need some fixing. I'm still trying to be pretty, still trying to be smart. Still trying to be something... more.
And I will keep trying.
I don't know, who I am. And I don't suppose I'll figure that out any time soon.
But you know... I know all the things that I am. And I guess that makes up who I am, bit by bit.
Remember this?
Greta: You're telling me that, you wouldn't jump at the chance if you could turn the clock back?
Grams: No, I wouldn't. You see, I was a different person then. I didn't know anything about the world, or myself. I had no... perspective. This was a long time ago... and every day since then, every experience I've had, every person I met, has carved an impression of me. You know, this girl, this child, she's just a fraction of what I've become. A wife, a mother, a grandmother... me! Oh, honey, you have no idea what's ahead of you. It's all such an incredible adventure.
I don't feel it, but I think I'm ready.
And I still love when I think I'm ready :)
And you, person, reader, who has, thank you God, made it so far, reading this, thank you. Thank you so much for taking interest in this girl behind the laptop screen.
If you felt something while you were reading this, something not negative, then I guess, yeah, you are a true friend, and I love you.
