I had a lot to say.. when I was thinking about what to say. But now I've got nothing. It can be bad memory or just cowardice, but this was initially meant to be a hurtful, angry, heartbreaking confrontation.
But I'm really tired of being all those things.
I have not spoken to anybody about how I've felt in the past month. Now you think I'm just dying to get it all out. But I'm not. I'm not like that anymore.
I've been struggling.
Does anyone here know what's really been happening to me for the past month, now that I didn't spell out everything for you to read, only by choice? Does anyone care?
Tell me, if you know, that I'd been flipping from guilt to anger to grief to madness to composure to pain and back again. Tell me, if you know, that I'd been going through all my life long mistakes like a replay scene in my head lately. Tell me, if you know, that I'd started playing piano again. Tell me, if you know, I'd started playing the guitar. Tell me, if you know, that I'd started reading again. That I'd started writing again. That I'd go to bed early because I didn't know what else to do. That I don't talk anymore because I didn't know who to talk to. That I get bloody pissed at you when I seem to have been there for you, but where are you now.. and it would all turn into pain. That I cry more than twice every single day. That I've been dropping and dropping and dropping those hints, but nobody seems to notice.. that I've been bordering on suicidal.
Tell me if you even know my newly discovered favorite chocolate bar.
And we'll step back. What are those mistakes anyway? Why do I cry anyway? Why'd I stop and start all those things I've done? Do you know?
When all these things accumulated, I didn't know how to talk about them anymore.
When was the last time you talked to me? When was the last time you thought of me? When was the last time you even cared?
It's hard because I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know what to think anymore. I just know that I'm not who I was, and not who you'd always thought I was. Maybe that's what you realized. Maybe that's why you started walking away from me. I don't know.
When you ask me, how my day was, I know that no one really wants to know anymore. Because you dismiss the things I say, and for some, it's all about you, isn't it?
You can either admit that you've not been well to me, or think I'm a psychotic brat, or think it's somebody else's fault. It's fine by me.
Because through this month, when I was at the lowest of my lowest, I realized that counting on someone to come and save me, even if I'd done that for all of them time and again, was the dumbest mistake of my life, and I've done a lot bad. So I kept telling myself that I'll save myself.
No one should be responsible for someone else's life. But we are. Intricately bonded to one another, whether we like it or not, whether we realize it or not. That's why care should be applied everywhere.
Today, I tried. I tried to open up. But there were so many details, so many things, so many things I couldn't say, didn't want to say and then all that that's buried within, that takes time to extract. And I couldn't say it.
I can't deal with inconsistency.
At first I thought, it was me. I haven't been around. Well, I'm sorry. I've literally been losing my mind. But I'm sorry. I'm so.. so sorry. But you could not hate me more than I hate myself.
At first, I'd thought it was okay, what I was feeling.
Last night, when I'd, for the first time, picked up a knife, I forced myself to put it back down, with that I drew a line, both literally and figuratively.
I could do this no more. I can't have you walking in and out my door, trampling on me carelessly as you do so. I'm not just addressing one person. It's all of you. ALL of you.
Yes, you probably thought I'd had somebody else. Well, f***, I didn't. And I'll have you know I never jumped to that conclusion once when you guys were down.
So decide now. Because I don't wanna die.
I'm not angry at all of you. Maybe sometimes. But I really just want to be happy again. I'm sorry. For being like this.
I almost didn't post this. But I thought you should know. And this time, I'm not scared of losing you.
Let your actions speak for you.
This isn't an accusation. Or anything. Some parts are just about one person, or a group of people in general. And I know, you might despise me after reading this, or think ill of me, but that's just it, I don't need you if you would. You didn't cry, at all, least at all as much as I have, while I was writing this.
I'm not saying that to get a hold on you. It's just that, you should take that into consideration before come on to me, calling me whatever it is.
Love all,
JY
